The Fear in the Confusion
by Oneturtledove
Summary: Sometimes there are questions that no one can answer, but solutions that come so simply.


Disclaimer: Not mine

Spoilers: The Stargazer in the Puddle

A/N: It just hit me and I had to write it. Took some liberties with Angela's past too. Not sure where this is placed. Maybe between season 2 and 3. Enjoy

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Sunday evening found Seeley Booth at a local bakery, buying cinnamon rolls to satisfy his sweet tooth. It had been a long week, and pie just wasn't going to bring him the relief he needed, so he pulled out the big guns. Four fresh, warm cinnamon rolls, covered in icing were just what the doctor ordered. Of course he couldn't finish them all himself, and they wouldn't keep for more than a day, so he did the only logical thing.

He went to see his partner.

She wasn't a pig, but she could pack away her fair share of food. She often picked off his plate long after he was done, and several times he had found her having a bowl of cereal after they had eaten dinner. He wasn't sure if she had a fast metabolism or if it really did take a lot of fuel to power that brain of hers, but he found himself fascinated by the amounts she could eat without gaining weight.

He knocked on her apartment door, then let himself in. It was a comfortable act that was becoming more and more common as of late. And he didn't just do it to her either. She let herself into his apartment and office as if they were half hers. He couldn't say he minded, as it was more the mentality behind the act than the act itself. They were a pair. Totally comfortable in their now almost combined skin.

"Hey Bones, you home?" he called, finding the front room empty. She didn't reply, so he peeked into the kitchen. Music played from the stereo in the living room, and he could see that she had been cooking, but her pots and pans had been abandoned. He turned the burners off and left his box of cinnamon rolls on the table before he ventured into her bedroom.

The lights were off, but he could see that her bed was a mess, her closet was flung open, and her dresser drawers were all half pulled out. He was starting to fear the worst when he noticed her curled up in the fetal position on the floor, an old tattered blanket clutched tightly to her chest. She was crying softly and his heart expanded to a painful size as he made his way over to her, crouching down and resting his hand on her shoulder.

"Bones?"

"I'm not okay," she whimpered through her tears, her hands moving up to cover her eyes.

"What happened?"

"I can't find it."

Her chest heaved as a sob took control of her and she shook with the effort. He brushed her hair back behind her ear, taking a second to check her pulse.

"You can't find what, Bones?"

"The tape. My mother. I can't find it."

He'd never seen her so close to hysterical before and he was starting to get worried. He gently moved her into a sitting position and wrapped his arms around her, rocking back and forth slowly.

"Deep breaths," he whispered. Hiccups were now accompanying her tears and he made soft shushing noises in her ear.

"My dad g-gave me a video tape. My… my mother…m-made it f-for me. I w-wanted to watch i-it again but I c-can't find it."

He brushed the tears off of her cheeks and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"We'll find it, Bones."

"It's gone, Booth. It's not anywhere."

"Hey, you know that's not true. We'll find it."

"It's not fair," she said, shaking her head. "I just want my mom back. Just for a moment. It doesn't make sense, because I know she's gone and she can't come back, and I shouldn't want something that can't happen."

"Bones…"

"I don't have much left. That tape. This ring. A few dolphin trinkets. I don't remember much either. Nothing specific. And now I don't even have that tape."

She sniffled a few times and he tightened his grip on her.

"It's not fair, Booth. Why was I even born into that family? Why was I born at all? And why didn't they tell us they were going to leave? Why disappear in the middle of the night? They had to know that Russ was going to leave me too. They had to know that! They had to know I would end up in foster care with families you yelled at me and called me names and beat me so hard I couldn't walk. So why did they do it?"

She was crying again, but these sobs lurched from deep within her soul, as painful as the words she was speaking.

"Why does it hurt so much still? Why do I hate being left alone all the time and why do I always fear that someone isn't going to come back? I don't even understand it Booth. It doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense and I just have to live with it because I can't change the past. I hate them for what they did. I hate myself for laying down and letting it change me. I hate myself for refusing to cry and for ignoring the hurt for so long, and I hate myself for exploding now because I don't like it and I don't understand it and not understanding scares me."

She sucked in a huge breath to try and calm herself, but it only came out in a deep shudder, which triggered even more tears.

"I hate that you're seeing me like this, but I can't stop it and I don't want you to leave. I never want you to leave and I hate that I feel that because I'm fine alone, but every time you walk away from me I feel panicked. I don't understand it and I hate that them leaving me affected me this much. Why am I even crying? Why am I yelling? It doesn't fix anything, Booth. It doesn't change what happened and it doesn't make me feel better and it doesn't make me feel any less abandoned. Why does it still hurt, Booth? After so long why does it still hurt?"

He rocked her slowly back and forth knowing that what he was going to have to tell her wasn't going to bring her any comfort at all.

"It's always going to hurt, Bones. I still hurt from things that happened to me. The trick is not letting it take over. It's okay to cry and it's okay to get mad. But don't let it become who you are."

She took a deep breath as he played with her hand, his fingers drawing soothing patterns on her palm.

"They said they loved me, but I don't understand how that can be true. Love isn't like that. You would never leave Parker, no matter what. You would do anything to protect him, but you would never leave him. Not without making sure he was taken care of."

"You and I both know it was more complicated than that."

"True love isn't supposed to be complicated, Booth. I shouldn't love my parents and hate them too. I shouldn't want them here and still be so mad and not want anything to do with them. It doesn't make sense."

"Not everything makes sense. I know that frustrates you and confuses you, and I wish I could make it easier for you, but I can't."

"Thank you for trying."

He wiped the rest of the tears from her eyes and cheeks and kissed her forehead again.

"Let's go find that video, Bones."

"I don't know where else to look."

"Well, first, let's get up off the floor."

They stood up and he ran his hand through her tousled hair, then tugged on the blanket she was still holding.

"What's this?"

"It was my favorite blanket when I was a little girl. I like to have it sometimes."

He nodded and led her out to the front room.

"Now I'm just taking a guess here, but I am betting it is somewhere with the rest of your movies."

"I looked there already. I don't keep it there. I keep it in a box with the other things I have from that time. And it wasn't in the box."

"When was the last time you watched it?"

"I don't know Booth."

He checked her VCR and the drawer below the TV before he finally stood up and found the VHS on top of the unit.

"Bones, is this it?"

She took the tape and nodded.

"Yes. Watch it with me?"

He nodded and she put the tape in before they made their way to the couch. She draped the blanket across her legs and he settled his arm across the back of the couch. She leaned into him just a little as the tape started.

"_Hi Temperance. It's mom. I don't know when or if you'll ever see this. I hope to put it in your hands myself, see you again with my own eyes. But this is a hard, hard world. Your father and I left you and Russ to save your lives. People would have killed you to get to me. That's not what this is about._

_Today is your 16__th__ birthday. I'm so sorry I'm not there to tell you all the things a mother should tell her daughter when she turns 16. I'm sorry not there to give you this. It's an heirloom from my side of the family. And starting today it's yours. I don't know how long it will take me to get it to you, but I promise I will. _

_You're going to hear a lot of things about your parents. Especially your father. He is a good man. It was my insistence to leave you kids. Max would have kept us together. Fought until the end. I'm not sure he'll ever forgive me for that. I'm sorry. So please Temperance I need you to forgive me. And if you can't forgive me, I beg you honey, forgive your father. Because he is a very good man. Remember that._

_You were cherished in this world. Adored. What I did to you may have been wrong, but I did it out of love. I did it out of love."_

Booth looked over at Brennan, catching one tear falling out of her eye. It slid down her cheek and onto the blanket before she looked over at him.

"I still don't understand, Booth. Am I even supposed to?"

"I don't know, Bones."

"Angela's mother left too. I don't know if she wants you to know that. But she left when Ange was eight. Said she couldn't be tied down to a family anymore, but she still loved them. That doesn't make sense either. Love is supposed to be different. Love isn't that selfish. Love is about sacrificing for another. But if this is what love has become, maybe I don't want to have anything to do with it."

"Bones, don't say that."

"Why not? That's how I feel."

"I'm not saying that you can't feel that way. I'm saying that you can't just write off love because of crappy parenting."

"Well if my only experience of love is being let down, then how am I supposed to believe anything different?"

"Bones, I want to tell you something and maybe this isn't the best time to bring it up. But I love you. And I have never and will never leave you. Now what does that mean?"

"I admit that I believe that you love me, and I know that you would never willingly leave me either. But I can't believe both things."

"What do you think is more likely? You're wrong to distrust your parents love for you, or you're wrong to distrust mine?"

She sighed and rested her chin on her knees, sniffling lightly.

"I don't know, Booth. I just don't know."

"C'mere," he said, pulling her into his arms. "I don't have all the answers, Bones. I can't change how you feel or make sense of anything. But I am always going to be here for you, for whatever you need. Do you believe that?"

"It is one of the only things I can believe without direct evidence."

He chuckled and kissed the top of her head.

"I think you need a cinnamon roll. Which works out great because I brought four fresh ones."

"That sounds very good."

He helped her up from the couch and she wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Thank you for everything Booth."

"Always, Bones. Always."


End file.
